


Grumpy Australian and Drunk Scotsman Fuse. What Happens Next Will Blow Your Tits Clean Off

by BackwoodsNecromancer



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, M/M, Swordvan, but in the end this is 3k of Bullshit, demoman appreciation week 2015, feat. fusion, i tried so hard and got so far
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5364494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BackwoodsNecromancer/pseuds/BackwoodsNecromancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a final effort to break up a particularly frustrating stalemate, Demoman convinces the typically asocial Sniper to fuse. what happens next will blow your tits clean off</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grumpy Australian and Drunk Scotsman Fuse. What Happens Next Will Blow Your Tits Clean Off

**Author's Note:**

> fun and games on ctf_2fort. Written for Demoman Appreciation Week 2015  
> We Love You, Demo

The BLU Engineer's sentry beeped placidly from its perch in the courtyard. Demoman was just below it; he had one shot at taking the damned thing out before they caught onto him, and that was if no one snuck up on him. He threw a glance over his shoulder and down the narrow corridor that led out to the courtyard, then lifted his grenade launcher. One, two, three grenades left the barrel and bounced off the wall opposite him, up toward the ledge above. With a bit of luck he'd at least kill their Engineer. Maybe then he'd have enough time to take out the sentry, and RED could finally push back. Demoman clenched his jaw, then grinned wickedly as he heard the explosion and resulting telltale clatter of metal.  
"Dispenser down!"  
Or not.  
Demo quickly began to reload, finally feeling a bit of vigor. BLU had been beating them at every turn today, starting out with a lightning offense and then putting up a tight defense while their Spy tried for the final point. This one sentry was the cornerstone, and no one had managed to even get close. Heavy could hardly get into the BLU base without drawing almost all enemy fire, and the BLU Pyro was sticking too close to the Engineer for RED's Spy to-  
The BLU Pyro.  
Demoman heard their breath through their mask first, and turned just in time to see them raise their flamethrower. But no fire came. Instead, he was sent sprawling backward by a powerful blast of air. Demoman opened his mouth to curse at them, himself, and all of the BLU team, but the sentry cut him off. With a few beeps and several rockets, he was headed back to respawn- again.

A heavy sigh signaled Demoman's exit from respawn. RED's hayloft was empty, and as far as Demo knew, Pyro and Engineer were still keeping the intel under lock. A peek into the battlements towards to his left revealed Sniper, crouched behind the glassless windows there. Demoman cast a quick look towards the BLU battlements before crossing quickly to the middle of their own.  
"They got you?" Sniper didn't look up from his scope.  
"Yeah." Demoman mumbled, raised his bottle to his lips, then paused. "Came close though. Odds are he's moved the damn thing again." Sniper frowned as Demoman took a swig. "They're shut up tight."  
"I saw him cross into the BLU sewers. Ain't heard anything from 'em yet. I doubt the doc'll be able to get a foot in the door." Sniper said, then glanced at Demo. "Get down, or else someone's gonna take a shot at you."  
"Probably ran into trouble." Demoman said with a sigh, getting down on his haunches.  
"Told him it wasn't a good idea goin' that way." Sniper furrowed his brow.  
Demoman rolled his eye. "If he can get Heavy in there, maybe we got a chance o' turnin' this around."  
Sniper lurched to the side in response, a loud crack resounding from his rifle. The BLU Demoman dropped before he'd gotten five steps out of his own base.  
"At least you been doin' well." Demoman said flatly.  
Sniper shook his head. "They're not even tryin'. They're gonna keep up their defense until the match is over or their Spy gets our bloody intel. I'd say we're done."  
"With that attitude we might as well be." Demoman said, though his outlook wasn't much brighter. He tipped his bottle back again.  
"You missed Scout just a minute ago." Sniper said after a pause. "Guess what they got guarding their intel?"  
"Dare I ask." Demoman muttered. "What?"  
"Their Scout and Soldier fused, so we got that to deal with after the rest of 'em."  
"Bloody brilliant." Demoman scowled, looking down. "So we really are washed up?"  
Sniper nodded, sitting back and setting his rifle aside. "At this point, I'm alright with rollin' over and lettin' BLU have the win."  
"Unless," Demoman held up one finger and grinned. Sniper cocked his head, skeptical before he had even begun. "We throw 'em a surprise."  
"I don't like where this is goin'." Sniper said bluntly.  
Demoman stood and offered a hand to him anyway. "C'mon, Sniper, we've never fused before. We could at least give those bastards a run for their money."  
"Don't think so, mate." Sniper said. "And get down, or else someone'll take your head off."  
"No one's gonna come out." Demoman said. "You said yourself they're gonna ride out the match."  
Sniper frowned stubbornly. "Why don't you go and find Soldier for that? We might not even go that well together." That was a poor excuse and they both knew it. Fusions didn't have to be harmonious to be effective in battle. If the situation called for it, anyone could stay fused long enough to get the job done.  
"Get off yer ass." Demo said sternly. "No one else is gonna do it if we don't."  
Sniper looked up at him and hesitated, but ultimately took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled up.  
Granted, there were several fundamental flaws in the plan. For one, Sniper hardly ever fused with anyone. This was partly his choice and partly because he was simply of more use on support. While fused teammates did their work, he'd help to prevent the enemy from trying to counter them, whether it was by picking off incoming targets or holding down the base. Then there was the fact that Demoman was drunk and Sniper was naturally as graceful as a live fish that had been thrown on the deck of a boat. He was lanky and not quite coordinated, and dancing had never been a part of his skill set. Even so, despite having every reason not to, he followed Demoman down into the courtyard of their base.  
"Alright," Sniper said, straightening his vest self-consciously. "How's this gonna work?"  
"You're gonna give me your hands and try not to trip over yourself." Demo said. "And you gotta trust me." Sniper grumbled something Demoman couldn't catch, so he took it upon himself to take his hands and pull him close- close enough to stun that attitude out of him, or so Demoman hoped.  
What followed could only be described as an awkward, somewhat painful experience for them both. Thankfully none of the other REDs were around to witness the embarrassing display. It took several seconds to fall into anything vaguely resembling a rhythm; once it clicked between them, their hands shifted and fingers meshed and they went from a simple, waltz-like step to a sudden drop. Though Demoman had one arm locked around the middle of his back and the other around his waist, Sniper still grabbed at him for support. The last thing he saw was Demoman grinning at his reaction before a flash of light overtook them both.  
That was when Scout strode out of spawn, gesturing angrily and ready to tell any teammate in the vicinity how shitty the match was going. He came to a sudden halt when he saw the glow coming from the courtyard, however- it was a sight he recognized at once. "Ohh my god." He said excitedly, breaking into a huge grin. Demoman and Sniper's forms had merged into a tall pillar of light. Scout had to hide his eyes for a moment, but once it had vanished, his eyes lit up, and he hopped down from the hayloft to the ground right away.  
The newly-formed fusion had a strong resemblance to Demoman; it shared his skin tone, facial hair, and, apparently, affinity for kilts. But there was something off about it- the fusion had a longer face, wiry hair, and when it smiled down at Scout, there was an edge to it.  
"Nice calves." Scout said offhandedly before looking up. "Who're you supposed to be?"  
There was a pause, as if the fusion was considering. "Myrmidon."  
Scout couldn't help but rub his hands together, beginning to circle around him, looking up and down. Myrmidon, like most fusions, was over twice as tall as Scout was, and very muscular, with a broad torso and thick arms. Scout was somewhat surprised to see he only had two arms and, upon closer inspection, two eyes. Maybe. Where Demoman's empty eye socket typically was, there was a deep black pit; Scout couldn't tell if there was an eye there and it was closed or if this was another cyclops. He wore iron greaves and gauntlets without fingers, both brightly polished. The emblem on Myrmidon's sleeves depicted Sniper's crosshairs centered on a stickybomb. The vest he wore over it was brown and similar to Sniper's, and around his neck was a string of several teeth, none of which matched in size or shape. A crossbow hung at his hip and the quiver that went with it was slung behind it. Scout could see the hilt of a sword over his shoulder, and the strap that kept it there. He held what seemed to be a stickybomb launcher like Demoman's, except somewhat more streamlined and compact.  
"Are you here to bust shit up?" Scout asked, innocent tone clashing with the nature of his question.  
Myrmidon put his hands on his hips. "Is that what you wanna see? 'Cause I was considerin' it."  
"Yes!" Scout said. "You gotta, we're getting our asses kicked!"  
"If that's the case, it'd be my pleasure. But I'm gonna need your help, boyo."  
Scout perked up. "Whaddaya need?"  
"I'm gonna need you to get the intelligence while I keep those BLU Bastards busy."  
"Three times in a row?" Scout said, then grinned. "Hell yeah I will."  
"There's a good lad." Myrmidon said. "I'll race you over there. Don't die on me now."  
"Gotcha!" Scout started off, then stopped and came right back. "Wait, wait. I got a question. If Demo was drunk but Sniper wasn't, then how drunk are you?"  
Myrmidon grinned. _"Yes."_  
Myrmidon let Scout have a head start. The runner had made it out through the front and was only a few steps away from the exit before he saw the fusion's shadow overtake and pass him, smoke trailing from his feet.  
"Holy..." Scout flipped the mic on his headset down. "Oh, you guys are not gonna believe this."  
There was no one in the BLU battlements to warn of Myrmidon's approach, and likewise, no one to try and stall him. He could hear the idle sentry nearby, just around the corner. He pressed his back to the wall, drawing his crossbow and loading an arrow. It was then his other eye opened, revealing a black sclera and burning blue iris. No sooner had it opened than it rolled into the back of his head. Myrmidon's other eye closed, as if he were focusing. Though it was marginally hazy, he could see the BLU Engineer and his sentry from where he stood. _You can get it in one shot,_ said a voice in his head. _The explosion will be enough to take him out._ In its socket, the eye swiveled until it found the BLU Pyro, on their way up from the intel room. _Just wait. Once they get close enough, shoot, and fast._  
The arrow Myrmidon nocked was black with a silvery head and bright crimson fletching. He watched the BLU Pyro through several walls as they came up the stairs and headed toward their Engineer, his finger on the trigger. When Myrmidon fired at the sentry, he aimed for the axis on which the gun rotated, to stop it from turning far enough toward him to shoot.  
He succeeded, and was back around the corner before either BLU could catch a proper glimpse of him. A moment later, there was a resounding bang, and a loud cry.  
Myrmidon strolled around the corner to observe the scattered, blackened wreckage. He whistled casually as he went, seeing the BLU Engineer in several pieces, and the BLU Pyro on their back, immobile and short their kneecaps. Myrmidon shook his head and gave the (still very alive) torso a kick, sending it to the ground below. That was when Scout reappeared, dashing up the stairs to survey it for himself.  
"I'll head down first and distract 'em." Myrmidon said. "You get that briefcase and go. Don't look back, and when you've captured it, come back for the next." Scout nodded, watching as Myrmidon drew a heavy sword from the scabbard around his back. The blade gleamed a dull silver and had a few notches toward its end. He doubted he could lift the thing, but had no reservations about how well Myrmidon could use it.  
Subtlety was not something the fusion had in mind while stomping down the stairs. Myrmidon knew the relative still of the BLU base would be broken as soon as the BLU Engineer respawned, and all efforts would be refocused on him, so he had to be quick. With his sword drawn and blue eye glowing fiercely, he made no attempt to engage the BLU fusion below from a distance. Instead he gave a loud, piercing cry as he charged. His target only had time to turn before the blade cut a diagonal path clean through their torso. There was a short burst of blood from the wound before both halves of the fusion poofed into mist.  
"Disappointin'." He said, stepping over the prone bodies of the BLU Scout and Soldier. It'd take them a bit longer to respawn than usual, which was some relief. Scout zipped past him with the intel in hand, giving him a thumbs up on his way by. Myrmidon wasn't in near as much of a rush as he was, and took his time surveying the other REDs' positions around him with his other eye as he made his way up the ramp and into the BLU hayloft.  
Medic was with Heavy, on the BLU side of the sewers. Soldier had just dropped, but not without getting the BLU Demoman out of the way in the process. The BLU had their own Heavy and Medic to counter, with their Sniper on the way down to help. Myrmidon leapt down through the grate and ran him down, slamming the hilt of his blade into his skull and feeling it crack.  
It would be a tight fit in the sewers, but Myrmidon didn't plan on slogging all the way through them. His eye told him that Medic was nearly charged, and once he deployed his Über, the BLUs would fall back- all Myrmidon had to do was place a few bombs near the mouth of the tunnel for them to run into. It was accomplished as easily as it was thought of, and he was waiting for his teammates when they exited the sewers.  
"Nice of ya to join us, doc." Myrmidon said, grinning down at both Medic and Heavy, both of which were looking more than a bit ragged. "I was told you were havin' a spot of trouble."  
"Well," Medic said with a short, nervous laugh. "Not anymore, it seems."  
Myrmidon sheathed his sword, seeing Scout streak past again, on his way to another pickup. Heavy and Medic moved up toward the courtyard to head off any BLUs on their way out of respawn, and Myrmidon set up stickybombs outside their base, just in case someone made it through. He spotted Soldier waving at him from their battlements, and watched him rocket jump to the bridge.  
"Excellent work, boys! Victory is in sight!" He called as he passed.  
Next to go by him was Scout, followed closely by his BLU counterpart, who reeled back on seeing Myrmidon. That was just enough hesitation- after he'd come down from the battlements, he was well within the fusion's range, and had his head taken off as a result. He waited in front of the BLU base like that, bloodied blade in hand, barring access to the bridge and keeping any enemies from getting through. He did so gladly, rightfully proud of every head he took, and shouldering any damage that fell on him. There wasn't much- the BLUs quickly caught on and tried finding other ways out of their base. But Myrmidon could see through the ground and concrete and watched as they discovered a sentry near the sewers the hard way. He thought that was only right and fair, after what RED had been put through.  
As he saw Scout making his way out of the BLU base for the final time, Myrmidon fell back to the RED side of the battlefield. Soon he saw him sprinting across the bridge, BLU Soldier in pursuit. Scout looked behind him, then in front of him and grinned. As the advancing BLU fired a rocket, Scout jumped up, landing on Myrmidon's shoulders and pushing off to jump again and escape into the base like a rabbit into its hole. With an arcing swing from his sword, Myrmidon cut the rocket clean in half. To his left and right there were small explosions to prove it.  
The BLU Soldier stopped so suddenly he fell onto his ass and could only scramble a few feet away before Myrmidon's blade was through his back.  
Less than a minute later, they heard a voice over the intercom: "Stunning comeback, gentlemen. Do not think of cutting it that close again."  
Once they had won, every RED was on their way to find Myrmidon. Once most of the team had gathered, however, a shudder went up his spine. With a loud pop Demoman and Sniper reappeared, and the REDs pressed in farther. For a moment, Sniper was stunned as Demoman grabbed him around the waist and lifted him up with ease, cheering about how they'd done it.  
First, his face grew red. Then he smiled and started to laugh. Demo was right, they'd really, actually done it, and _God_ was he tired.  
No one had really anticipated a fusion between the two of them, but it had been undoubtedly successful. RED was in good spirits that night, but none so much as Sniper and Demoman were; to most everyone's surprise, Sniper, typically the reserved one who was hard to find after matches, sat with Demoman late into the night. The two drank and told stories back and forth. Not a one of them had ever heard Sniper laugh so much or so often. Demoman knew that, and it was something he was proud of- maybe even more than he was of winning the day's match.


End file.
